i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
