If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
NoShamevember. You game?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
