In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize