I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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