if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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