I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
