I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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