An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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