I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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