i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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