I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
