you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
