party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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