maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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