why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
