I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
