I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize