when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
