dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize