girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
