Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
