Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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