apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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