When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just want nice things and good sex
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
