the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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