I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
