wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
