If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
