Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
