So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Still dying that you shit outside
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
