No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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