I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
