nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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