I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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