she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
