I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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