last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
