I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
