I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
