I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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