there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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