I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
