I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
my liver is dry heaving
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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