i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
