I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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