Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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