she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
