i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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