The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
