If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
