I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
