I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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