I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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