I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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