one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
