He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
