So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize