I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
