I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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