I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
