That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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