saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
