Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Small penises have feelings too.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
