Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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