I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
whose parrot is this?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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